Back to School bissshes!

Can you tell I am mildly over excited about this?! I mean, 6 months of barely any routine for the kids, them binge-watching Netflix and YouTube until their skin turned grey due to lack of Vitamin D, screaming 'MUUUUUUMMMMM' at the top of their lungs because they're hungry and if you didn't respond to their impromptu call within five seconds the scream would increase until your only response is to fire back with a scathing response through gritted teeth, whilst you're on a work call trying to secure your place within the Firm, because redundancy really would not help you right now as you have become the only breadwinner in the house due to lay-offs. Aaaannnnd breathe. PHEW. Job secured. Now onto the feral wildlings...

If only our colleagues knew this is how we've shown up in the world since day nine of lockdown. Hair looks like it's been combed with a firework, eye bags are loving life in the spotlight and your pj's are basically fused to your a*se cheeks. Standard lockdown attire, wouldn't you agree?

Is it just me or did your patience decrease to minus 100 during lockdown? I'd like to think it's due to us being caught up in a global pandemic, uncertainty about our health and our livelihoods, wanting to help our loved ones but being too scared to even drop off a food parcel within ten feet of their front door in case we killed them with our potentially deadly particles that we tried very hard to keep within the vicinity of our own mouths and noses. But I feel it is mainly because I have zero tolerance when it comes to my gobby first born. I feel it may also have something to do with the fact she ruined my vagina and my boobs in one fell swoop, but I had hoped I would have gotten over that four years on. I fear I have more work to do there...

Anyway, I am NOT sorry for being a far better parent who is a fraction more in control of her emotions when I am only subjected to my child on occasions rather than full time. Does that make me a bad parent? Possibly. Do I feel bad about this? Absolutely not. We live in a society now where it is totally acceptable, as a mother, to want a career as well as a family, albeit frowned upon by many and unsupported by a lot, but, f*ck it, we're doing it anyway! And we therefore need to handover our darling little cherubs to people who are actually qualified to look after them. I mean, I am seriously lacking in any qualifications which should allow me to look after any child, let alone mine, who is always referred to by strangers as 'a character'. This is code for 'your child is a little pr*ck, please keep her away from mine'.

So to have all of this stripped from us and to be told we are absolutely supported to work from home where possible to ensure our safety, I'm not so sure they considered the safety of our children during this time. I cannot tell you how bloody frustrating it is trying to join a civilised work call only to have your child walk up to the camera, smash the keyboard thinking it's funny, pulling a face to those I am speaking to and then walking off whilst shouting 'I want biscuits!!!'. Is 'waterboarding' your four year old with a packet of custard creams frowned upon?! Asking for a friend.

Therefore YES. I am seriously buzzing for my little angel to be starting school next week and we are throwing a socially distanced party to celebrate! The worst part about all of this is that she's my absolute double, in looks and attitude, and I'm just a little gutted that karma is such a b*tch and that my mother gets to act all smug, from a distance,

after enduring exactly the same with me 24 years ago. Whatever.

Enjoy getting a bit of 'you time' back ladies! I shall be raising a G&T to you on Monday morning around 9am!

Alice x

P.S. I am super excited to share with you a FREE webinar where I will be sharing tips on how to get back on track after lockdown. To watch the webinar, click on the link below, head to my homepage and create an account. Lots of exciting things will available to you going forward!

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